So this is life...

Hi guys! I know it's been quite some time since I have posted in here!! I just haven't had any mojo! I wanted to share my latest blog entry with y'all...
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-Hectic-

That seems to be the perfect word to describe life right now...

Everything just seems to be at a stand still lately. I can't help but feel myself getting jealous. I'm happy but jealous. It seems like every time I think we are getting somewhere, something else happens that pushes it back or stops it. I want my boys to have the best there is for life to offer for them. I don't know how to do that though when I can't give them myself completely...

I hurt for my child & for the things that he could be doing right now, that he should be doing. But because of sickness & other issues it all keeps coming to a halt. I want my little boy to be able to do more. I believe in him. I have to grown to expect these sudden halts in life so I sit and wait for the next one to slow us down.

It's funny because things that used to be important & mattered to me, no longer even impact me. And, what I thought would never effect me or take hold on me, does. Having a child with Special Needs changes everything... Stupid, petty things are no longer important. You get to a point where you find yourself just hoping for a little bit of peace in the world. You find yourself being connected with people that you would have never even approached before. You gain a new perspective on life. I have found that I fall in love with the children who have tough situations going on in their life, whether it's another Special Needs child or a completely different situation. It's almost like your heart becomes softened, almost even broken sometimes.

It opens up a whole new world. You are forever changed.

When tragedy strikes another family, like the loss of a baby or fear of a life-threatening sickness... Even though you don't understand completely what they are going through, you can't help but feel like you're being pulled closer, emotionally towards them. You don't understand what it's like to be in their exact shoes but you can understand the emotional aspect of things that they are going through. You sit there wishing that you could do more for them... Wishing that there was some way to make it all easier for them...

I have grown to loathe the statement- "Everything happens for a reason." I no longer believe that. And, honestly to hear someone say that to me regarding my son, makes me just want to scream. I can only imagine how someone who has lost a child would feel when they hear that... I don't understand things in life & I know that we're not supposed to but sometimes I just wish we knew why. Why God does what he does...

I believe that I was chosen to be a parent to a Special Needs child for a purpose. I know that because of my boys, I am a different person. I know that our 2 boys were given to us and because of them I want to make a difference in the world...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference."