Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dear Mommy....oh wait....

So i was all ready for my blog post. Pumped up in the car from a long camping trip with little sleep. My poor husband had to hear all about this blog post on the drive home.
He feels the need to indulge me sometimes when I need to vent.

So I was going to title this post,

Dear Mommy of a child without special needs,

the post would then continue with something all these lines.

You and your child will survive potty training because your child is physically able to go potty. It will not be the end of your world if it takes a while, even a long while.

You and your child will survive when your child is getting some new teeth. All kids do.

You and your child will survive if your child gets a skinned knee.

But then I started thinking, MAN this post sort of reeks!! Reeks and drips of nasty old rotten bitterness and frustration, maybe even a little anger.

Sometimes facebook is a rough place for me. Sometimes its amazing. But sometimes its frustrating to see some of our kids go through such awfully hard things and see you mommys struggling through some really scary moments. And then see the status updates about potty training, or teething and oooooooh please pray for us this is so hard because baby so and so has a stuffy nose. I want to take some of your status updates about UTIs, ER visits, Surgeries, braces, and therapy and just post it on their walls.

But as I got ready to sit down and write this Dear mommy, bitterness post. (and after a nap) I really had to think about the truth behind what I wanted to write and why.

Is it frustrating when friends, family, and people we really dont even know that well complain about things that seem so trivial? ABSOLUTELY! But is it trivial to them. At that moment of potty training, at that moment of endless crying because of new teeth or hearing a baby having a hard time breathing seem like something small? Not to that mommy. Its big! And you know, if I wasnt where I am today. That could be me.

I could be the mommy on facebook with the biggest worry being a scratch instead of scoliosis. I could be the mommy worried about teething instead of tethered chord. I could be the mommy scared about silly things instead of shunts.

And instead of feeling bitter and frustrated maybe I should sit back and be happy for them. Maybe I should be happy for me too.
I can be content knowing that they dont have to deal with the worries and fears we do.
I can also be content knowing that their child is spared some of the things are children are not spared from.
But on the flip side. I know that my life with Toby has changed me. permantly. and in a good way. And on that same note though I dont want my life with Toby to change me to a bitter angry person at everyone who has a healthy child. Wow!! Talk about not being able to keep friendships! : ) Its something honestly, I give to God on a regular basis. Maybe I take it back since I have to keep on giving it over to him. But as long as I keep giving it to God as long as I keep fighting it and not just sit there and right mean ugly posts that might make me feel better at the moment....and then honestly, pretty junky afterward.

I hope these thoughts make sense to you, since sometimes I have a hard time putting my thoughts into a logical progression : )

Kari (aka toby's mommy)


Colleen said...

Yes, makes total sense to me. It can be so easy to get bitter, and we really have to guard against it.

Kim said...

I agree so much with what you shared. I have to force myself to appreciate the milestones in other children, and not think "Wow, they make that seem so easy." as they take their first steps, start crawling, potty training, etc. My 3 1/2yo (no sb) is still not potty trained. I'm working with her, but I also know that she *will potty train. I have no doubt. I'm changing/buying diapers anyway, and will be for the foreseeable future, so changing one more child just isn't a big deal. But I get looks, comments, etc. about this child. She is old enough. Am I tough enough on her? No. Does it really matter in the long run? Not a bit. :)

Joanna said...

It not only makes sense - it's how we ALL feel at one time or another (and then again...and then again...) :) Thank you for opening up. I am a BIG supporter of sharing our feelings - because almost 100% of the time someone is at the other end of the computer saying "amen!" or "how did she know" or "man i needed to hear this". Happy Mother's Day Kari. We love you!

krousehouse said...

I relate to this post - and also struggle with reminding myself that the issue is relative to the situation. I want to bite when people so often say "Oh, I know what you mean, we worried so and so would never walk..." when talking about their perfectly typical late walker, and so many other things. I have to tell myself they are just trying to relate, and for them, that was a scary thing. I too have to work against the bitterness, and appreciate you sharing.

Jill said...

Yep, yep, yep. Totally. I remind myself: "just because someone has a broken leg doesn't mean your stubbed toe doesn't hurt." Someone could always have it worse, and that 'someone' is often our kids/us. It sucks to be the someone worse. It's hard to have sympathy for their lousy stubbed toe. I love being the one with the stubbed toe.

Amanda said...

I'm completely there with you as well. And I don't want to be the bitter person who can't go out or listen to people who are worried about (what I now think of as) more mundane things. Especially when shunt, tethered cord and getting the most out of PT are on the top of my worry list.
At the same time I have a 3 year old who refuses the potty, and I know how stressful that can be, but I also know that she will potty train. Whereas my son - we don't know.
That's why our community is so great - we get called out and supported when those pesky thoughts start to leak in!
Oh and BTW kodos to you for making it back from your camping trip! And then blogging!

Leigh and Andy said...

I feel like I could have written this post myself (although not nearly as well). I'm with you, giving the bitterness to God is the only thing we can do. :)

Scasmflops said...

Oh did I need this. Thank you! You stepped on my toes which have been growing bitter. :) Putting on a smile and praising the Lord. You are right.

Gretchen said...

I TOTALLY agree. Could be me so often. I remind myself ALL THE TIME that the ONLY one who can judge anyone is God. And that we are each given ourown journey to walk. Just because mine seems so darned hard and unfair at times does NOT take away from anyone else struggling on theirs. Oh man it is so HARD to be good and not bitter hu?

Thanks for a GREAT post!