For you all with love

So you know how I like to pretend?

I like to pretend to be a photographer, I like to pretend to be a crafter, I like to pretend to be a teacher.... : )

Well, now I'm pretending to be a graphic designer. Leigh Gibbs DO NOT SHOW your husband or tell him please! :)

I'm just pretending. Anyway I've been thinking about things I wanted to do around my house, but then started thinking about something not so self centered.

I thought, its been a while since I've contributed to the Spina Bifida Community.

So here's my newest contribution

They are just images I've worked up the last couple days on my computer. Do what you want with them or do nothing at all. I was on walmart.com the other day and realized the amazing products that are out there. You can get any image printed on just about anything. Coffee cups, canvas, magnets, You name it, they print it. So I thought this would be an easy way for me to do a project without worrying about shipping you all things : ) we know how good i am at that.

I hope you like.

To view the full image or copy the image click here This is free. I have zero copyrights on them. Feel free to use, and pass around. I'll also put them up on pinterest if anyone is interested.

I do love all you guys and know that I'm thinking of you all the time.

I'm open to suggestions too if anyone has something like this theyd like created.

An apology

I owe you all an apology. Not just because I haven't posted in a bazillion years -- although I am sorry about that too -- but because I have taken you, my SB community, for granted.

When we first found out about Brooklyn's SB, I wanted to get involved, so I quickly searched around, got to know a few of you, and offered to blog on this site. I was all revved up, posted every Sunday, and tried to keep up on all of your rock stars.

But then reality hit. I started to get scared about some of the things I was reading, and I slowly backed away, somehow believing that I could get through this with my current support system. (They are pretty great you know!) If I am being honest, I thought I didn't need you.

And so I tried to do it alone. I even wrote this post, perhaps to prove how "capable" I was.

I tried to be "brave" and "inspiring" and many times I felt that way, but on the days I didn't, my current support system just wasn't enough. It's not that I was afraid to share my struggles -- God knows that I am honest to almost a fault -- it was the overwhelming sense of guilt I felt for admitting those struggles out loud to people who were used to me being strong. I know that was my expectation, not theirs, but I still felt that guilt. And it hoarded over me and started to silence me. I began to bury my emotions; emotions that started sneaking out when I least expected.

I started to feel like a fraud. My head and my heart were not on the same page, and I didn't know how to deal with that. Nor did I know how to deal with the roller coaster of emotions this journey takes you on. How one day you truly feel you have accepted all that God has blessed you with -- and then the next day you are balling your eyes in the middle of a workout, begging God to give your daughter your hamstrings.

But you, you my wonderful SB community, understand. You understand that a rough patch does not mean that I don't love my daughter just the way God made her. Or that unexpected tears in the middle of a jab-hook-uppercut are just par for the course. I know that now. I know that I need you.

And so I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not posting, for not commenting on your blogs, and for thinking for one minute that I didn't need this community. I do. We all do.

So, yes, I am honest to a fault, but I really felt like I needed to explain myself. So many of you have continued to encourage me as I rode this learning curve, and I appreciate each and every comment you have left on my blog. I know that God brought me to this very web site -- and all of its wonderful members -- for a very important reason...

for healing.

So don't be surprised if I pop up in your comments in the next few weeks. I also hope that this post inspires some of you to visit some of the bloggers listed on the left side of this page, perhaps someone you haven't visited before. Leave a note of encouragement. As we all know, it can make all the difference in the world.

~Lisa (@ Heaven Sent)

Take THAT Spina Bifida!

~Lisa (@ Heaven Sent)

Sick?

The constant "snap, snap" of Isaiah taking apart the k'nex Ferris wheel in the other room was soothing as I rocked back and forth with my head in my hands. I had just poured through Proverbs 3 seeking comfort and promise from the scriptures I believe, while simultaneously struggling with worry about my daughter upstairs.

She was sick. For the second time this week. Mysterious, sudden, and scary sick. She wanted the comfort of her favorite movie and her favorite brother. I obliged with both. Isaac wouldn't have it any other way. So, he sat vigil next to her bed while she watched "Cars."

Every time she flinched, grabbed her stomach, grimaced in pain, whimpered in fear, or needed anything, he was at her beck and call. He fetched her anything she needed or wanted. He jumped at each sound. And he did it all voluntarily.

I sent Tim scarce updates via text. I knew he was busy working, and I didn't want him to worry. But an hour before his shift ended, he took leave and made his way home. She had a rough night--up every couple of hours. I had a rough night, too. Barely sleeping. Up every few minutes to check on her. Worrying. At 1:45 a.m. she panicked because I had sent Isaac to his own bed. Isaac, the BEST big brother on the planet, came back to her bedroom and camped out on her floor.

By the morning, she seemed to be back to her old self. Just like what happened on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. She asked for cereal. And she wanted to play. She didn't seem sick at all.

I've been doing this long enough to know that sometimes what seems like a simple illness is more than it seems. Sometimes, what presents as a virus is a virus. And sometimes, what presents as a virus is an intestinal blockage or shunt malfunction.

And that is what we suspect this time. The sudden sickness. The additional symptoms. The unpredictably of it all.

We'll ask her how she is feeling, and she will answer, "Great!" Even as she clutches her body in obvious pain.

So, every time she is sick, my mind goes to the dark places that borrow trouble from the unknown. I worry about what is and what could be. About getting appointments and tests scheduled. Taking time off work. Getting results. Doing it all alone.

Even as we approach this next chapter in her care, I am aware that we are walking this road together. Last night, as he picked up toys and nervously cleaned, Isaiah kept saying, "Even if she is sick, she will be okay."

His love for her palpable. His worry inescapable. His commitment to his sister and his family unflappable. His trust was in the one who gave the promise I poured through in Proverbs. The boys and I stayed up late watching a movie based on a book they had both read. We checked on Esther-Faith every few minutes. And we prayed a lot.

Because even if she is "just sick" or more than "just sick," we know that in the end, it will all be ok.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:3, 5-6

Painting her new pencil box for kindergarten on Wednesday.