Friday, August 12, 2011

An apology

I owe you all an apology. Not just because I haven't posted in a bazillion years -- although I am sorry about that too -- but because I have taken you, my SB community, for granted.

When we first found out about Brooklyn's SB, I wanted to get involved, so I quickly searched around, got to know a few of you, and offered to blog on this site. I was all revved up, posted every Sunday, and tried to keep up on all of your rock stars.

But then reality hit. I started to get scared about some of the things I was reading, and I slowly backed away, somehow believing that I could get through this with my current support system. (They are pretty great you know!) If I am being honest, I thought I didn't need you.

And so I tried to do it alone. I even wrote this post, perhaps to prove how "capable" I was.

I tried to be "brave" and "inspiring" and many times I felt that way, but on the days I didn't, my current support system just wasn't enough. It's not that I was afraid to share my struggles -- God knows that I am honest to almost a fault -- it was the overwhelming sense of guilt I felt for admitting those struggles out loud to people who were used to me being strong. I know that was my expectation, not theirs, but I still felt that guilt. And it hoarded over me and started to silence me. I began to bury my emotions; emotions that started sneaking out when I least expected.

I started to feel like a fraud. My head and my heart were not on the same page, and I didn't know how to deal with that. Nor did I know how to deal with the roller coaster of emotions this journey takes you on. How one day you truly feel you have accepted all that God has blessed you with -- and then the next day you are balling your eyes in the middle of a workout, begging God to give your daughter your hamstrings.

But you, you my wonderful SB community, understand. You understand that a rough patch does not mean that I don't love my daughter just the way God made her. Or that unexpected tears in the middle of a jab-hook-uppercut are just par for the course. I know that now. I know that I need you.

And so I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not posting, for not commenting on your blogs, and for thinking for one minute that I didn't need this community. I do. We all do.

So, yes, I am honest to a fault, but I really felt like I needed to explain myself. So many of you have continued to encourage me as I rode this learning curve, and I appreciate each and every comment you have left on my blog. I know that God brought me to this very web site -- and all of its wonderful members -- for a very important reason...

for healing.

So don't be surprised if I pop up in your comments in the next few weeks. I also hope that this post inspires some of you to visit some of the bloggers listed on the left side of this page, perhaps someone you haven't visited before. Leave a note of encouragement. As we all know, it can make all the difference in the world.

~Lisa (@ Heaven Sent)


matt said...

This is a great post. My experience was similar to yours. The truth is, none of us really know how this will effect us until we are in the midst of it. It is good to plan on being strong and inspirational but sometimes things just don't go that way. We have a wonderful set of friends but not only do they not understand our situation, they have no comprehension of the depth of ongoing emotional pain that is involved - only other SB parents understand that. And they even understand if you disappear for a while and then return!

Summers Family said...

Great post Lisa. I ditto everything Matt said :-) This journey is very rough and bumpy and I know I could not survive it without my SB sisters and brothers.

I have so many wonderfully happy days but also many down days. These ups and downs are hard to explain to others and it's also nice to NOT have to explain. I was so sad the night before Annabelle's birthday and I decided to blog about it. The overwhelming support and understanding I received from the SB community made such a huge difference in how I felt about myself in that moment.

Thanks for sharing where your head and heart have been lately. Wishing you and your family a wonderful weekend.


Jill said...

A fantastic, honest post. I think most of us have been there, I know I have. I move in and out, back and forth. The beauty of this community is that we have all been there. We all know what it's like. And we're always waiting for when you're ready to come back. :)

Selina said...

Thank you for such an honest post. I've been there too...It's impossible for us to be 100% "on" all the time, and those moments when we show our fears are not moments of weakness...They are real, honest emotions that come and go on this journey. I think it's only fair to the others out there, feeling the same things, to let them know they are not alone in these thoughts and feelings too...and your honesty gives all of us the courage to face these fears, and move on.