Sunday, October 3, 2010

Under Control

I admit that I have control issues. I always have. I like to be in control...A LOT. But we all know that in reality, there is very little we have control over. God has taught me this lesson with every one of my children...again and again and again. And I'm still learning.

When we first found out about Brooklyn's SB, it was easy for me to hand over control to God. I was only 18 weeks pregnant, and there was literally nothing I could do. There was so much we didn't know. During those long 5 months, there was such an enormous peace in knowing that He was taking care of my baby. That He knew EXACTLY what plans He had for her. Sure, I still worried, but honestly, I really trusted that He would do his God-thing, and I would accept whatever it was that He decided. It was all on Him.

Then our sweet baby was born. And then the real worrying began. It started out slowly when we were in the hospital and picked up when we got home. When she was in my care 24-7. Somehow, that made me feel like I was in control. And I was scared to death.

Because Brooklyn is not shunted, there were symptoms I had to look for...fussiness, swallowing issues, and excessive sleepiness were a few. I watched her closely. Her head was growing larger every day, and she was fussy. She spit up a lot and slept a lot more than my other two children. Suddenly I felt like a first-time Mom all over again. I didn't know if she was just being Brooklyn or if she was being Brooklyn with SB. Needless to say, by the time clinic day came around, I was driving there in tears with an extremely heavy heart. I needed reassurance that my baby was okay, and that I wasn't missing something.

A few weeks ago, I was having an especially emotional morning, and I felt lead to call my Mom. As we talked, she gently told me that I was forgetting who was in control. Of course, I've heard that phrase a million times before, but this time, it was exactly what God wanted me to hear: Yes, He was in control when Brooklyn was being formed, but He is still in control now. I just need to continue to trust Him.

You see, once Brooklyn was in my arms, I felt totally responsible for her...for her health...for her life. And that is such a very heavy burden to carry. But to know -- and trust -- that God would reveal any true "symptoms" to me, to our specialists, was such a HUGE COMFORT.

He is in control. What an amazing promise to all of us, but especially to those of us who have children with SB. Every day is different in our world. One day, a victory; the next day, a set-back. One specialist gives us great news; another tells us some not-so-good news. It's exhausting.

We need to remember that He is in control. For ourselves, for our babies, for our families.

Life is too short to spend it worrying. Find peace in our God -- our shepherd. He's got it under control.

Lisa (@ Heaven Sent)


Anonymous said...

Praise the Lord that He is in control!
I am personally claiming this promise with my Maylee right now.

And, what a sweetie you have!

Gretchen said...

Thank Goodness God is in control!! Even though I too am a control FREAK I would NOT want to be in control of all things SB.. I know I appreciate having Him to fall on my knees in front of with all things SB :)

There are hard days, no sugar coating that, but there will be MANY days filled with unbelievable blessings too! Lean on God on the hard days so that you have energy to rejoice in the other ones!

Dill Family said...

So there with ya... for me pregnancy was the easy part for all the same reasons. NICU was the killer! Glad we are past that, but what an awesome reminder... with baby 2 on the way those scared, out of control feelings are creeping in again.

Holli (and Mark) said...

soooo sooooo true, thank you for the reminder!!!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog often. You write with such amazing strength and high spirits. I've gone thru some of your olders posts since I seem to be struggling with some of those same issues right now in my life. So I'm commenting on this post...a little late but never-the-less graciously said. I too struggle day to day with my daughter, Marley, and her SB complications. She's such a beautiful child but I never seem to know what life is going to throw our way. I have to trust God and know He's in control. You said it so very well. Let Him lead, let Him drive and let Him take control. I gain strength from reading your posts. Thank you!